Tuesday, 16 June 2015

It's been a while. Yearning, quests, searching.
All the way to 2008.
To be told no. To realise - eventually - that I deserved better.
Or at least something.
Being destroyed by disappointment can happen.
Before I set out to break my prison walls down, I gave the target of my misplaced devotion one last message.
As always, nothing. And that was the end of her. Like a stone door, my judgement closed.
She couldn't be bothered.
So I risked my life and sanity alone.
And when I started to lose them, a lone angel came to my aid.
At last my feelings started to return. Maybe I am stupid, maybe I was nearly dead, but my feelings are coming back. The life she saved isn't a debt.
The trust that her voice gave me over thousands of miles inspired obedience.
Her wisdom saved enough of me so that my feelings could exist again despite the murder of each and every ambition.
There is only one feeling that matters.
And that feeling isn't mere gratitude.
When I have that feeling, I usually find myself alone and wounded.
I've no more capacity for wounds.
So I will say only this.
I also care.

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